The Awakening

A Fergus Johnson story of gender relations

Fergus and Julie are two kids just finishing high school. Fergus has always lived in this town; Julie moved here almost two years ago at the start of her Junior year. They will both graduate soon, but have not, yet, actually decided what they plan to do with their lives.

Fergus and Julie are not, in any sense, you know, “Fergus-And-Julie.” They have seen each other around and go to the same church. They have been in Algebra and Geometry classes together and, in their Junior year, were in the same Senior Class production of The Sound of Music where Julie had a leading part that involved singing and dancing.

Fergus is strongly attracted to Julie but hasn’t done much about it; he knows that he has his faults. He is not an athlete, nor very adept socially, and so is not popular with the “in” girls. He is, in fact, a little nerdy, but not so much that he is an actual dork. Yes, that about does it.

Julie is unusually short; not at all like the statuesque beauties with long legs that go all the way to the floor. She is whip-smart, moves with grace, and as you might expect, loves to sing and dance. She knows that she has her faults, but being Julie has always been a good thing.

Fergus likes to watch Julie, especially when she dances. Julie has noticed Fergus watching her, but Fergus has never noticed Julie taking any particular notice of him.

Hypertension

A Fergus Johnson story of gender relations

Fergus and his wife, Doris, were driving to town. He had a doctor’s appointment to follow-up on his new prescription for high blood pressure. They had both begun watching their salt intake and enjoyed seeing themselves lose a few pounds of water weight.

Fergus had done some additional research and decided to also reduce the sources of stress in his life. He began by declining to accept a new project at work until he was closer to finishing the ones he was already committed to. Doris, knew how worked-up he could get in city traffic, and volunteered to drive.

Seeing a group of girls, standing together in front of a store, Fergus turned his gaze to look at them. There were four, dressed in casual summer clothes — unusually bright colors — two were wearing shorts. One of the girls in shorts had particularly well-shaped legs — not those little toothpick legs so common on high school kids.

Doris saw him look. It didn’t usually bother her. Fergus tended to have high situational awareness. Doris reminded herself that he was a “keen observer of life." He frequently pointed out interesting details to her. Doris smiled as she recalled the time that she had made the humorous observation that Fergus was also “a keen observer of women.”

Waking Up Grumpy

A Fergus Johnson story of gender relations

It all started with a harmless but cynical little joke. It was the kind of old throw-away line that men and women repeat to each other when commiserating with their kind about the unsteadiness of their steady beau or the unfairness of the fairer sex.

Fergus was in the usual bar telling stories with his usual buddies from the office. It was too early in the evening (and they had had too few beers) for the regular ladies to start looking good. Fergus had just offered the “Did you wake up grumpy this morning? No I let her sleep,” joke. Really, it was lame and innocuous. It was just as likely that a girl at the chick table would look around and observe that “The odds are good, but the goods are odd.” No harm, no foul.

However, as it would happen, the gods, also having nothing better to do at that moment, heard him and looked up from their rather tedious game of Canasta. This could get interesting. Dagon glanced at Loki who rolled his eyes and said, “Why does everybody think I want to get involved in every lame-ass, ignorant, thankless dork with a bad attitude? Persephone kicked Loki’s shin under the table and he winced. Loki sighed with resignation and took his turn at meddling in the affairs of men.

“OK, how’s this?” Loki suggested. “Every morning, Fergus wakes up next to a different unknown woman in bed. They all have pre-existing histories with him that he doesn’t yet know about. It keeps up until his attitude improves.” Thor gave a leering grin and a big thumbs-up. Phaethon just curtly nodded his consent, followed by a smug smile as he

I Told You So

I Told You So

A Fergus Johnson story of gender relations

You have to understand that discretion is often about what you choose to not say.

Fergus and his wife, Loraine, were on vacation in southern Arizona. It was more than a vacation, actually. They had decided that it was time to move to a warmer climate for him and a place kinder to allergies for her. So, they were also keeping their eyes open for climates and communities where they might like to live.

Fergus and Loraine enjoyed each other’s company and enjoyed exploring new places together. They noticed things and pointed them out to each other. They worked well together and they, especially, traveled well together. Sometimes, Loraine’s heart would swell with affection and she would spontaneously offer: “I love you.” More often than not, Fergus would be caught off-guard and look like a deer in headlights. Truth be told, getting that reaction might actually have been part of her motivation for saying it.

Introduction to "Hubris on Roller Skates" by David Satterlee

Introduction

I usually have some idea of how something is going to come out when I start a story. But, it’s a real rush to go catch up with a character or situation that decides to run loose for a while. This collection should keep you off-balance, entertained and wondering what you’ll find next.

I have been told, by a long-time author, that my writing is “humorous, bold, and adventurous all at once … channeled through a facility for language and the music of words.” That was very kind. Thank you.

You should know that a few of these stories may not be for everyone. I occasionally take the liberty of using mild profanity, describing intimate situations, or introducing politically incorrect ideas. While I intend to be colorful and interesting, I do not intend to shock, offend, or arouse. I don’t believe that any of these stories are outside common community standards, but I thought that it should be mentioned up-front.

You will find some science fiction, a nice little poem about kittens, several pieces on gender relations and, especially, some explorations of the emotions and behavior of women of all ages. A lot of the stories end with a twist – deliberately lulling you into a mood before dropping you on your head. And, I have indulged a special fascination with hubris – acts of over-confidence that often lead to major fails.

Some characters are iconic. Don’t assume that Fergus Johnson is always the same guy trying to figure out the same woman, or that Bobby is always the same bad boy; he comes to too many unfortunate ends.

DavidS

Story: Touching Women

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Touching Women

from the book: Life Will Get You in the End:
Short stories by David Satterlee

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Life Will Get You in the End:
Short Stories by David Satterlee

This title seems to get a lot of attention. It's really not as salacious as it might sound. But, have you ever wondered if some men actually have the ability to make a physiologic-psycho-social connection with women, just my touching them? Hum...  

Touching Women

A Fergus Johnson story of gender relations

[Note: Contains some suggestive allusions, mild profanity and, possibly, an ethnic slur. ‘sorry about that.]

“You know, I think that women like to touch me” mused Fergus Johnson. Fergus obviously hadn’t actually intended to speak although this was a men’s support group and everybody was expected to share. It had just kind of slipped out as the sub-vocalization of a personal epiphany. Bobby, who had been revisiting his whine about striking out with women at bars, stopped in mid-sentence and looked puzzled.

Dr. Anderson, always looking for something to add some semblance of newness to the weeks-long rambling bitch session [pun might or might not be intended], urged Fergus: “Go with that.”

Fergus seemed to stare vacantly at the Kewpie doll on one of Dr. Anderson’s shelves across the room. “I’ve just been starting to notice a trend is all.” He paused again, his eyes flickering up and to the right as he searched his memories. “My waitress at breakfast this morning put her fingers on my shoulder several times. And, I’ve started noticing that when I stand talking to a woman, it’s not unusual for them to reach out and briefly put their hand on my arm.”

“That kind of thing happens.” Observed Larry the Letcher, hopefully.

“Yes,” Fergus continued, “but

Story: The One That Got Away

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The One That Got Away

from the book: Life Will Get You in the End:
Short stories by David Satterlee

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Life Will Get You in the End:
Short Stories by David Satterlee

A young man decides to introduce himself to one of a cluster of girls. What could go wrong? Wrong enough that the reader gets two endings to choose from.

The One That Got Away

A Fergus Johnson story of gender relations

[Note: Contains mildly erotic descriptive imagery.]

Fergus Johnson has been watching a group of girls for several minutes now. Fergus is seventeen. That’s one of the truly awkward ages between toddling and toupees. 

One of the girls is gorgeous. It’s not entirely the close-fitting but not-quite-tight pure-white dress she’s wearing, with long sleeves, a tailored waist, and a hem four inches above her knees. The dress accents her sleek neck and trim but neatly muscled legs, which seem to go all the way to the floor. Okay, Fergus has actually been staring for several minutes now while she talks and eats an ice cream cone.

The white dress has a scooped neck, which reveals a flawless expanse of chest, heaving gently as she talks. A slender silver necklace suspends a large teardrop crystal in just the right place to

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The Hanging Offense

from the book: Life Will Get You in the End:
Short stories by David Satterlee

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Life Will Get You in the End:
Short Stories by David Satterlee

His wife has undertaken a new hobby and involved him in foraging for materials. What could be better than an activity that brings the whole family together? What happens when a patient, tolerant, and supportive husband reaches his limit?

The Hanging Offense

Don and Bev were an unlikely couple. He was as tall as she was short. He always knew which direction was north and she always knew when he didn’t, actually. He was a disorderly neat-freak to her orderly clutter. They both claimed to have a personally satisfying “piling system.” They had learned to compromise where consensus was impossible and bicker gently when personal territory needed defending.

Don and Bev had met rather late-ish in life. They were already past their prime when they met. Let us say that they were on the trailing edge of homemaking, child-raising, and career-building, They were both divorced after almost three decades of difficult first marriages. They were both lonely but skeptical of ever trying again. They had both given up on finding someone who met their standards – they both quoted Groucho Marx: “I would never join a club that would accept me as a member.” Naturally, they fell deliriously and deliciously in love – for better and for worse.

And so, it eventually happened that Bev took an interest in the art of rug-making. Don was amused but tolerant. Lord knows, Bev had been patient when he thought he was going to learn to play the piano. Did I say rug-making? To be specific, it turns out that Bev started ordering books on rug hooking and, after a while, bought a machine for cutting wool fabric into narrow strips. Don trotted out the pro-forma puns about her becoming a hooker and stripper and Bev offered that pained little smile that told him that yes, he was clever but

Story: Starting a New Career

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Starting a New Career

from the book: Life Will Get You in the End:
Short stories by David Satterlee

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Life Will Get You in the End:
Short Stories by David Satterlee

All he wanted to do was go to the bathroom without disturbing anybody. 

Starting a New Career

A Fergus Johnson story of gender relations

Fergus and his wife Dorothy are middle-aged. Actually, they are just past middle-aged in that wonderland of freedom and possibility that exists while there is still ambition and the potential for growth but, at the same time, insipient mortality is a boil on the ass that prevents one from sitting idle. Dorothy is retiring early as a social worker and Fergus is disabled. Hard lives are threatening to get harder, but they have plans to do creative work together. 

Fergus wakes with a mild surge of adrenaline, which, even when mild, is disturbing. Suddenly awake, he mentally reconnects with his ears, takes an inventory of the little noises around him, scans the dimly lit ceiling for a few moments and finally, beginning to relax, he glances at the clock. It is 3:38 am and he

Story: Lust in the Morning

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Lust in the Morning

from the book: Life Will Get You in the End:
Short stories by David Satterlee

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Life Will Get You in the End:
Short Stories by David Satterlee

The tensions between happily married couples can boil over. Sometimes, you just have to ask, "Did I really say that out loud?" 

Lust in the Morning

A Fergus Johnson story of gender relations

It was a lazy, quiet Saturday morning. Fergus and Dorothy were sitting together on the living room couch. Dappled sunlight streamed through the large front window, promising a bright, crisp day full of vigor and potential… perhaps after lunch. He was reading the daily newspaper and she was thoroughly inspecting a small collection of pre-Christmas glossy color catalogs featuring top-of-the-line, premium merchandise.

Fergus, having just spent a few moments admiring the models in a lingerie ad on page 17, looked over fondly at Dorothy. He loved her so much. She was a good wife, a good mother, a good friend… and a good cook. He closed his eyes and indulged in

Story: True Love’s Passion

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True Love's Passion

from the book: Life Will Get You in the End:
Short stories by David Satterlee

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Life Will Get You in the End:
Short Stories by David Satterlee

Read or download this story as a PDF file at: https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B4eNv8KtePyKWjZjWVQzbl9qcms/edit?usp=sharing

  A young couple find that their life together is becoming predictable. Is that a bad thing?

True Love’s Passion

A Fergus Johnson story of gender relations

Fergus is annoyed. He and Suzette are approaching their fifth anniversary and things have changed. Suzette is taking him for granted. Spontaneity is being replaced with routine. Passion is giving way to familiar closeness. Everything that was special is becoming accustomed. It isn’t that things are bad, but if she were to give him half as much rubbing and stroking as her cat, he would damn sure be purring too, and a lot more besides. 

It is his job to put her favorite frumpy plaid flannel pajamas into the dryer for five minutes before they dress for bed. He enjoys watching her put them on, totally nude at the foot of the bed. She always bends over, peering down into the bottoms, searching for the label in the back, her full